The post below is from a dad I know, Eliya Stromberg,  who lives in Israel.  He’s started is own fathers group, Fathers Connect, and sent me this information in an email this morning.  It’s a topic many of us probably don’t think about but as Eliay says, “It is naive to believe that because our children have limited abilities they are not affected by what they hear and see and “understand” or “don’t understand”. And given how saturated the world is with negative, destructive sights and sounds it is impossible to totally shield our children. ”  It’s interesting and thought provoking reading.  Have you had this conversation with your children?  Do you think it’s necessary?  Do you agree with Eliya’s approach?

 

In the last few weeks there have seen terrorist/violent incidents all over the world: London, Manchester, Melbourne, the Philippines, Florida, Ohio and Indiana in the United States, and the never ending carnage in Syria, Libya, Iraq, and Afghanistan. And just today in Tehran, the capital of the world’s largest supporter of terror, Iran,

The news repeats the stories, replays the videos and pictures and blathers endless commentaries on radio, tv screens, and mobile phones.  The news penetrates everywhere.

And understandably people talk about the events that have occurred.

Very often in the background children listen to the talk and see the images.  If they are typical children they will ask questions and seek clarification of what they hear and see.

But if they are like our children, who are limited in their understanding of the world around them and sometimes unable to communicate easily what they think and feel, the images they see, the words and tone of voice they hear may create in them confusion and anxiety which we don’t recognize.

One of my sons has Down syndrome.  He is 26.  He listens to the news on his radio in his apartment. He hears what is reported about events around the world and in Israel.  He gets a heavy dose of “terrorist” coverage.

Ever since he was boy he has been drawn to all things about the police, the army, ambulances and medics (having had some personal experience with this particular group), bombs, terrorists, and warfare.  Partly it is typical “boy” fascination.  But partly it is a consequence of his limited understanding of the world he lives in.

He is drawn to people and things which represent “power” (which a boy with limitations wants to have). At age 5 or 6 his first Purim costume was a policeman’s uniform.  And has continued be a police uniform every year since then, right up to this last Purim (at age 25).

Since he wants to feel powerful, he never admits to feeling threatened by any danger.  If there would be a terrorist attack in the neighborhood he says he will “take out” the terrorist using krav m’gah (a martial arts form developed in Israel). Any mention of a thief elicits a claim that he can catch him.  He is never expresses fear for himself, but very is fearful that something may happen to me or his mother.  He probably wonders who will care for him if we are not here (G-d forbid).  He may also harbor some unconscious fear for his personal safety given how dependent he is on others for his care and for explaining how the world works.

Because he is always “in need” he may be attracted to know about victims of terror and violence so he can shift the focus of need onto others and feel less needy himself.

He is always “tuned in” for news about illness, tragedies and terrorism and its proximity to home.

When he hears something he latches onto it.  He asks about it repeatedly. If he has the opportunity to view images (which fortunately is not too often) he will examine every detail and want to know:  “what happened”, “who is fighting”, “was the terrorist killed”, and on and on and on.  He asks many questions.  And he will ask a particular question that troubles him many times over in the course of a conversation.  He clearly is trying to understand situations which confuse him.  On some deep level he may be grappling with how to explain violence, suffering, pain, and death, none of which makes sense to his gentle, accepting, loving relationship to others.

How do I talk to my son about terrorism and tragedy?

  • I give him basic facts in answer to what he asks me.  I don’t give him more information than he asks for.  I never tell him nasty details.  I speak with words he knows and understands.
  • If he asks me: “could this happen here”, or “to us”, or “to me” I tell him the truth.  I say:  “it could but it is unlikely; now the police and the army are working extra hard to stop people from doing these things.”  Since he lives in the world with G-d, I reassure him that G-d is watching out for him and all the family.
  • I repeat my answers to him as many times as he asks.  But always in a calm, reassuring voice.
  • I validate his feelings, whatever they are.  But I do not give him the words to describe how he feels.  I want to know how he really feels and not to hear him merely repeat the words I use.  I stay with him and I ask him questions to focus his attention on his feelings until he can articulate them.
  • I let him know how I feel about the situation he is asking about.  This helps him to develop a sense of perspective and security.
  • I try as best I can to avoid talking about tragic events if he is present. When he is present I am careful how I talk so as not to arouse confusion and fear.

The human brain is vulnerable to images, sounds and words which go deep into our memory and consciousness.  To say that my son is “sensitive” is a major understatement. He hears and sees things which are not healthy to his spirit and confuse his thoughts.  It is naive to believe that because our children have limited abilities they are not affected by what they hear and see and “understand” or “don’t understand”. And given how saturated the world is with negative, destructive sights and sounds it is impossible to totally shield our children.

But we can listen to them. And encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings.  We can be patient as they struggle to find the words.  We can explain the facts in a language they understand.  And reassure them that it is highly unlikely anything will happen to them or to us because G-d, the police and army are protecting us.

And after assuring them, we can do something special to have fun like eat a big bowl of ice cream. Let them know that everything is okay.